Zombie Preparation

When the zombie invasion comes, will YOU be ready? Will you be ready when Darwin's theory does a 180 and he returns from the grave to chomp on your poodle. Will you be ready when you're faced with the decision to blow out the brains of your vacant eyed lover? WILL YOU BE READY, when the gates of hell are opened and disembowlments become status quo? I've devised a simple guide that will better prepare you for what will be a true test of your survival skills.

Know Your Zombie
When engaging with a zombie you have to know his strengths and weaknesses. Here are a few questions you should ask yourself before you do battle with the undead. What is the zombies top speed? Do you have the crystal meth zombies of 28 Days Later or the standard slow moving Night of the Living Dead zombies? You want to avoid zombie engagement at all costs so knowing how they sense you is very important as well. Do they smell your brains, do they simply hear you, can they see, or do they stumble around aimlessly until they bump into something worth sinking their teeth into? How mushy are your zombies? The decomposition of their flesh can very depending on the method of zombiefacation. Some zombie viruses give the flesh a soft, easily ripped apart, texture while others simply keep the human meaty firmness. To test it, simply bludgeon it with a baseball bat or pipe wrench. What is the zombie's week point? We all know that destroying the brain is the most popular method, but you never know with fuckin' zombies. Is the virus spread via biting or is it an airborne virus? How smart are your zombies? Are they super-smart-hyper-evolved zombies or are they mindless cannibals? The best way to determine this is by simple rouge like coming up behind them, tapping them on the left shoulder, and shifting over to the right. Their reaction time and realization of what's going on can help you determine their intelligence.

Arm Yourself
When picking weaponry you'll need a long range firearm, a short range firearm, a club of some sort, and plenty of ammo. I would suggest a .45 Cal rifle and a sawed off 12 gauge shot gun, but really whatever you can get your hands on will do. At this point in the game a sporting goods stores gun shops are fair game. It's important to take advantage of the looting before the zombie virus gets too out of control. Find the closest Wal-Mart or Crazy Bob's Gun Bonanza and lock and load. For a bludgeoning device I would suggest an aluminum bat or long handled axe. If you can find a mace or a samurai sword, you've hit the mother load. If you can find explosives, it would be a good idea to grab those as well. You never know when you'll have to clear a bloody path through the legions of the damned.

Fashion
You'll need to wear clothing that isn't too loose but allows for good body movement. You don't want those flesh eating bastards to grab your coattail so they can chew on your balls like Cheddar-peppers do you? Tuck in and avoid loose clothing. Leather or spandex would be optimal. You'll also need plenty of straps and harnesses to holster your weapons. The toes, fingers, and head are all major bite points. Steel toe boots, leather gloves, and head gear are all good to have. Goggles or sunglasses can keep splattering blood from your eyes. You don't want to get caught in a potential zombie dog pile situation because you got the local librarian's blood in your baby blues.

Diet
Fluids, drink lots and lots of fluids. You would be amazed at how fast you become dehydrated when your adrenaline is pumping at a critical concentrations and you've been swinging a chainsaw through corpses all day. Eat plenty of carbs and sugar to keep your energy up. Avoid deep fried foods and red meat. Lentils and beans are also a bad choice. Absolutely NO pizza!!!

Proper Transportation
When you have time it would be good to equip your vehicle with anti-zombie gear such as a brush guard or large bumper. All terrain tires and four wheel drive are a must. Good ground clearance is necessary for when you have to plow your way through the living-challenged. Pack the car with plenty of food and water because you might have to stay there for a while. Extra gas tanks or canisters have to be kept on board. No time to stop at the gas station when running from the damned. Large cargo holds are good for picking up stragglers and well informed survivors like yourself.

Finding A Hideout That's Right For You
When the zombie reckoning comes, the best thing to do is head for the least populated areas. There you will find minimal zombie activity and plenty of open space to travel in. If you've picked up a few tag-alongs along the way you may want to find some sort of Knights of Columbus hall or community center. If the day of zombifacation occurred in the summertime or on a weekend you might want to scope out the local school. Schools will have plenty of food, cooking equipment, and bathroom facilities. If your party is small simply confiscate some country mansion. If the residents are still at home, who cares, it's the goddamn end of the world here! Inform them that their money and property now have no value and the rules have changed. They may have to be restrained until they figure out that you mean business!

Well there you go. Just sit back and tune in to your local radio or TV stations (until they go off the air that is) and watch the chaos unfold. While you're watching the footage of zombies using your neighbors skull for a cereal bowl full of their own brain matter you'll be saying to yourself, "I'm sure glad I was ready."