If I Had My Druthers

They say that money reveals the man, so in order to get in touch with myself I meditate on having more money than I would know what to do with. Here are only five of the many contributions I intend to make to society.

1. Generate Multiple Illegitimate Children

Why are we here? We're here to 'do it.' "Be fruitful and multiply." the good lord said, and that's exactly what I intend to do. I would pray on woman's lust for men with money and power by luring them into my luxurious top floor at Ceaser's and spread my DNA across the land. My infidelity would be color blind. I would travel to every part of the world to impregnate the fortune seeking women of the world and leave them with a little token so they never forget the night I said, "It's ok baby, I had a vasectomy." I can easily support the child and visit them occationally. I assume they would all be after my fortune but in the end I will be buried with all my wealth and possessions simply because they are mine.

2. Open A Chain Of Topless Defensive Driving Schools

I, like most men, hate speeding tickets and love boobies. This will be my little lugi in the eye of the entire system. The girls will get paid training and teach the class on only Saturday and Sunday afternoons. If they make $500 a class that's $1000 a weekend, not to mention what they make of off lonely salesmen and drunk frat boys the following evening. Not only that, but they getthe skills for a job that they can do with their shirts on. If you can't tell I have a special place in my heart for strippers. Two girls would teach the two 6 hour classes. They'd put on a show, choreographed by yours truly, that would both educate and entertain. Things like drawing road signs on each others stomachs and the guy who gets it right gets to lick it off or lap dances for those that score %100 on the test. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is. The course would hold about 25 guys all paying $300 a piece. That's $7,500 a class. Three classes a month is $22,500 and $270,000 a year. That could surely cover the All-U-Can-Eat buffet and rental of the strip club. I don't even have to make money, this one's for the guys. With any money I generate I'll simply open my own chain of strip clubs called "The Box."

3. Destroy MTV

I don't know how I'm going to do it yet, but it's something I have to do. When I was a kid I thought that MTV was the nexus of all that was cool. That was back in the day when videos were new and rock n' roll was still kinda alive. If you're my age and you don't remember that chick on the hood of the car in that Whitesnake video or Peter Gabrial's video to Sledge Hammer you were obviously living in a hole. MC Hammer parachute pants, Michel Jackson getting blown away on the roof of a car, Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit, and Billy Idol's Rock the Cradle of Love video all come to mind. The shows were sparse but of quality like Bevis and Butthead and Liquid Television. The Real World was awesome until it wasn't so real anymore. After LA the series went straight to hell. MTV perpetuates the manufactured music community. Brittney, NSuck, and the whole lot. It's lost it's soul. It's package-wrapped-bought-and-sold corporate shit and it cannot go on any longer. If I have to look at another Ashlee Simpson or Mudvein or Limp Bizket I think I'm going to fucking vomit!

4. Surprise Me!

Every rich mogul needs a place to hang out. My restaurant will feature semi-fine dining in a bistro setting. You have your pick of the family style menu or the individual entree menu, but there is a special option at my restaurant. You can pick a dish directly from the menu or just say, "Surprise Me!" and the chief will whip up whatever he feels like. It could be lamb chops to fried chicken, but the catch is you can't send it back and NO REFUNDS. It's for the adventurous eaters only, like myself. I will sit in the biggest booth in the corner working on bringing my next bastard child into this world.

5. Build a Monument to Johnny Cash...

Because he's the fucking man