Delicious Sandwich VS. Hot Chick

As debates rage on across the country about filibusters, UN appointments, and the war in Iraq I think we should ponder more relevant questions to our everyday lives. The question I refer to is the delicious sandwich verses the hot chick conundrum.

This may seem like a simple question at first, "Dude! Are you gay? The chick!" most would say. A typical macho response but once we analyze the situation more closely you will see it's not so simple.

First we start with definitions and assumptions. The sandwich is most definitely delicious and can be whatever your heart desires, but it must follow the two slices of bread and filling standard. No pitas or gyros or anything of that nature. For example, my personal favorite sandwich would be a deli-sliced-blood-red-roast beef with lettuce, thinly sliced tomato, red onions, melted sharp Cheddar cheese on a lightly toasted Kaiser roll, and horseraddish mayo. There are a number of things I would do if bribed by this particular sandwich including pissing on any number of gravesites, kicking and old lady, puppy, kitten, etc., or even vandalizing a church. Judge me if you will, but hey, free sandwich. The chick is not defined by inner beauty or some little crush you had in high school. The hot chick has to have breasts, legs, ass, vagina, and the like. No trannys or fatties or whatever weird fetish you may have. We're talking Maxim cover girl quality here. The details you can fill in for yourself, just like the sandwich. I would like a slightly tanned white girl with blond hair past her shoulders, C cup breasts, small waist, round volleyball butt, no muscle tone but shapely, 5'10", squeaky voice, perky nose, blue eyes, and velupuous lips. Let's call her Mitzy. As you can see my sandwich and chick choices are as American as the fourth of July.

With that established we can get down to it. The question at hand is entirely situational and there are a lot of factors to consider.

Sandwich: When hungry will fill you up pleasantly
Chick: Will fill you up only if you have the taste for human flesh

Sandwich: Available whenever supplies or money is adequate
Chick: Available if you're a hot guy, have lots of money, or Tao of Steve game

Sandwich: Can satisfy you sexually if you don't mind getting mustard on your Johnson
Chick: If properly motivated will either satisfy every sexual desire you have or lie there unconscious. Either way, you're satisfied.

Sandwich: Does not have a face to fuck
Chick: Might let you fuck her face

Sandwich: Will be out of your system in 3 to 4 hours
Chick: Will hang around until morning, for a couple of months, for a couple of years, until a hotter chick comes along, until a hotter guy comes along, until your money is gone, or for the rest of your life.

Sandwich: Costs anywhere from $1.25 to $10.95
Chick: Costs you anywhere from $20 to EVERYTHING YOU OWN

Sandwich: Will rarely turn on you if the ingredients were well preserved
Chick: Has the capability to turn on you in a heartbeat

Sandwich: Portable
Chick: Demanding

Sandwich: Will let you take advantage of it during lunchtime
Chick: Will let you take advantage of it during lunchtime

Sandwich: Not very good to spoon with
Chick: Perfect fit

Sandwich: Can be messy
Chick: Will straighten up your apartment

Sandwich: No reproductive organs
Chick: Will have a baby weather you want it or not

Sandwich: Cannot eat in the shower
Chick: Can eat in the shower

Sandwich: Cannot eat underwater
Chick: Can eat underwater

Sandwich: Can eat at a Minor League Baseball game
Chick: Possible but not likely unless you are some kind of sociopath

Sandwich: You can share with your friends
Chick: Depends on the relationship

Sandwich: Can be bought and sold
Chick: Can be bought

Sandwich: Goes great with a diet coke
Chick: Goes easy with a couple of martinis and a mazaratti

I hope I've shed some light on this conundrum, but as you can see this dilemma is entirely situational. If presented with the choice after living in a North Korean prison camp for 10 years eating only a maggot filled rice water, then the sandwich would be a nice change. If I've been out working in the middle of Utah for the past month watching every episode of My Sister's Hot Friend I would go with the chick. But these are drastic situations. The dilemmas lie within the spectrum of the middle ground. Armed with these tidbits hopefully you will choose wisely when the time arrives.

The Lost Hope

If you haven't seen this by now you're really missing out. Click here. Enjoy.

Not Convinced

Oh God I'm going to hell for writing this, but, fuck it. I'm sure what I'm about to write is going to bite me in the ass so hard I'll feel it until my death, but I'm going to be honest. There's no sense in sugar coating the truth. She was hideous. A grotesque. A truly scary woman. Her buggy eyes were so far apart she wouldn't see me if I was standing right in front of her. Horse teeth, braces, giant lips, pale as a ghost, and monstrous. She had bony shoulders, cankles but wasn't fat. Truly and odd combination. On top of all that she dressed like my dead grandmother. When I turned around from the bar to see her sitting there I felt sick to the stomach thinking, "What the hell have I gotten into?" I was so shocked I walked away from the bar without paying for my beer. When I returned to the beckon call of the bartender she said, "Have fun, she's very pretty." I know she had to either be nearsighted or kissing my ass for a tip. She got the tip but she wasn't fooling anyone.

I should have run like a ruptured duck in a hailstorm, but that would not be nice. Plus, she might have something interesting to say or have a witty personality. Hell, I might as well stick around since I paid $15 bucks for a car wash and $100 on a new outfit. I did most of the talking since she really didn't have anything to say. I honestly try to give everyone a chance but this was going nowhere fast. We bolted for the movie and to be honest we couldn't get there fast enough. The darkness would be a welcome friend. I continued my plight to be charming, even buying a shake from a next door Johnny Rockets to surprise her with. I was stopped by a manager who told me I couldn't enter with outside food or beverage. I wouldn't have been as cross with him if Johnny Rockets wasn't $12 bucks for two shakes. Jesus! Thank God she was in the theater and didn't see the scene I almost caused. I ate mine quickly, tossed hers, and went inside to watch the movie I'd been waiting over 20 years to see, Revenge of the Sith.

I was so excited, I forgot all about the nightmare next to me. She was sitting so far on the opposite end of her chair she might as well have sat in the isle.

I'll skip all the details about the movie and get to what I really want to talk about: Anikin's turn to the dark side. There are several reasons this doesn't work for me. First is the piss poor writing skills of George Lucus. Maybe it's because he's never been married and has adopted all his kids, but the man can't write a love scene if his life depended on it. The, "I'm blinded by love. ", "No, I'm blinded by love more." line was worse than Episode II's, "Everything here is nice and smooth." This is key because I have to be convinced that these two are in complete love with one another. And another thing, if he truly loved her would he have threatened her life at the end of the movie? He almost killed her with his patented choke slam. That's a pretty strange move for someone who's betrayed everything he knows in order to preserve the very lives he was just about to end.

Second is the performance by Hayden Christianson. I have decided that I like Jar Jar Binks better than Anikin Skywalker in this new series. Most Star Wars fans would kick me square in the nuts to hear me say that, but let me tell you why. Jar Jar is a bumbling diplomat from a planet of silly creatures, and he acts like it. Anikin is supposed to be liked by the audience, in love with Padume, and be the best Jedi fighting for the Republic. He's none of those things. He's everything he's not supposed to be. He's annoying to watch, his relationship with Padume feels forced, and Obi-Wan and Yoda are far better Jedi than he is. He's supposed to have saved Obi-Wan 9 times but never do we see it. Ben proves himself far more than Anikin does in this film. He kills Grievous and dismembers Anikin.

Third, if I'm going to kill a dozen kids and turn my back on over 20 years of Jedi training, then I'd better be damn sure I'm doing it for the right reasons. Sidious comes to him with this promise of resurrecting people from the dead but never shows him how to do it. Now if Sidious had sliced a bantha in half and brought him back to life that would be a different story. Instead he goes on the word of this old man who spins a yarn ( as old people tend to do) about this guy with an equally menacing name that could magically Jesus people back to life. I simply don't buy it.

Ewan McGreggor did a great job though. He took the shit lines that Lucas gave him and turned them into something believable. At the end of the movie he might as well have been saying, "What the fuck Anikin? This doesn't make any sense." I was right there with him. Of course I was happy to see him get torched and everything tie together so nicely. All of that is pointless, hell, the entire series is pointless if Vader's turn isn't believable. I didn't buy it and left the theater completely unsatisfied.

Back to the reality of the situation. I had to take the bigfoot home. She bought me a cabana bowl so she wasn't all bad. I dropped her off and hopefully I'll never hear from her again. She knows the address of this blog and will probably read this and cry. That makes me feel bad, but this was the reality of the situation and I felt that you guys would get a kick out of it.

Chadwick's Commencement Speech

(Mass applause) Thank you. Thank you. Graduates! Well, you made it. Congrats. The future is yours and hitch your wagon to a star and blah de blah blah-blah blah blah. Whoop dee diddly do. You get a piece of paper that says you graduated. That is, unless you haven't returned that book on Russian economics that you never bothered to open. The diploma is a Golden Ticket granting entrance into the job market, but if you ask me it's no reason to go skipping around the bedpost with Grampa Joe.

There are those of you that went to all your classes, stayed clean, moderately sober, and never cheated. Hope you enjoy your job in sales or accounting or whatever reasonably high paying business professional position you managed to acquire. You can proceed with your boring lives pushing pencils for 'The Man'. Personally I would rather suck donkey dick for heroin than sell shit all day. I don't care if you're selling cars, chemical weapons, or high priced technological business solutions, you're a whore. A whore that doesn't get laid. You sling your dirty lies from location to location luring your prey into bed so you can get paid. I felt dirty in high school when I sold magazines for speech and drama club or those chocolate almond bars for band. I can't imagine living my whole life trying to manipulate strangers into my pocket or putting on a fake smile and desperately trying to make some asshole I could give a shit about like me. Accountants are no better. You'll either be destroying peoples lives by auditing their shady money handling or shadily handling money so the auditors don't destroy your client's life. Tweaking here and skimming there. Opening up corporate headquarters in some tax free island while little blind Indian children make the robes that you wear today for $1 an hour. You corporate scum make me want to vomit.

As for you liberal arts majors, enjoy your time in the service industry while you peruse your acting or writing career. On your way out today do yourself a favor. Fold your diploma in half, then in half again, one more time, go to the closest bathroom, take a dump, and wipe your ass with it that way it will actually serve some purpose. There is one advantage to having a liberal arts diploma, you can talk down to people who haven't read as much as you. That should fill up the hole in your ego. "Oh, you haven't read The History Of The Chinese Revolution by Smarty McSmartypants?" When people say things like that to me I visualize me knocking out their teeth in my forehead. Great, you read a book, wonderful. I went to the movies or jerked off to some internet porn, does that make you better than me? No, you read as a form of escapism. It's a hobby. You got a diploma because you like to read, hooray. My hobbies include gambling my money away and sneaking into matinees. Don't down talk me because my pastimes seem frivolous and unintelligent to you. Why do I need to know how Napoleon almost conquered Europe? "So history doesn't repeat itself." I find this statement to be one of the biggest loads of shit ever. As long as technology, science, and evolution move irrevocably into the future things will always be changing. Constant change is the only real truth. If things are constantly changing focusing on the past is pointless. It's like crying over your dead grandmother for your entire life. It's as useless as chewing bubble gum to solve an algebra equation. I'll read about what's going on in the news, but I'm not going to chronicle it in my brain or relate it to past events, because, to me, studying history is one of the most pointless aspects of your education. Watch the History Channel, be happy, and enjoy your time teaching high school English class wile coaching woman's volleyball.

Those of you off to peruse your masters are either the dumbest or the smartest people here. Most of the successful people I've met don't even have a masters. Hell, Bill Gates didn't even graduate college. The people I have met with master's degrees haven't really gotten much farther than those without them. So, what's the point? If it's to put off the inevitable, I'm all for it. If it's to be a more educated individual, that's ok as long as you don't rub it in anyone's face. If it's to get a better job, you're wasting your time. Might as well spend the two or three years studying in the workplace gaining experience. It's worth about the same in the job market except you don't get paid to study.

The real success stories are those of you here today that barely made it to the class you rarely went to by stumbling over game controller cords through a cloud of marijuana smoke. You are the real heroes. Those of you who were able to nail that hot XO chick while not tipping over your beer pyramid on your night stand. All you chicks that managed to stay thin and not get pregnant while soaking everything you ate with ranch dressing, drinking every other night, and waking up in pools of various things. Those of you that picked up skills like how to roll a joint without using a dollar or how to program your TI-whatever to do complicated word problems. These things are important because there will be no other time in your life when you can live in this manner. From now on it's drug tests and up at 5:00 AM to be at work by 8:00 AM. If you drink again like you did in college you'll be considered an alcoholic and end up beating your wife and stuck in AA. The tail will be few and far between. It's out with the apartment or dorm and in with the mortgage and insurance.

If you were able to have the time of your life in college and were able to pass, kudos to you sir or madam. You have great potential for success, because you know how to manipulate the system without getting your ass in a sling. Staying out of trouble, finding loopholes, and a little bit of luck is what life is all about. You rich kids won't have to worry because mommy and daddy won't let anything happen to you. Good for you! You've found the biggest loophole of them all, but as for you poor folk things are going to suck. Job placement might not be as easy and you'll have to work shit jobs for a while. Hopefully your soul won't die in the process. If you manage to pull your asses out of the post graduate nightmare you'll be all the better for it.

In conclusion, marry rich, screw the system every chance you get, try to have as much fun as possible, and don't get caught. Thank you and good night! (Cheers and yells)

Movie Songs

Sometimes I'll be driving in my truck, hear a song on the radio, and say to my passenger, "What movie?" A quick "No." is usually the response. By the tone in their voice I can tell that they are really saying, "No, you movie obsessed weirdo I don't know what random piece of worthless trivia you're referring to."

I know that these little nuggets of info are truly worthless in the long run, but you can't tell me that there are not certain songs that trigger particular movie memories. I've compiled a list of the obvious and not so obvious songs that remind me of particular films. If you would like to add to this list just shoot me a line.

In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel-Say Anything
If this song doesn't put the image of John Cusack holding his boombox over his head then you live a horribly sheltered life. Before Jerry McGuire and before Almost Famous Cameron Crow wrote this incredibly sweet screenplay. If you haven't seen it or even haven't seen it in a long time I would suggest renting it.

Everybody Wants Some by Van Halen-Better Off Dead
This little John Cusack movie has a special place in my heart. I don't care how many times I watch this but when The fat neighbor kid gives the French exchange student a picture of himself for Christmas, I laugh every time. Dancing hamburgers... faggetaboutit.

Higher And Higher by Howard Huntsberry-Ghostbusters 2
Yes, an oldie but a goodie. The song that made lady liberty walk down the streets of New York city. Bill Murry on the mike asking the locals to sing along. It's amazing how everyone just stands around and watches this monstrosity walk. I'd be running faster than a Japanese business man in a Godzilla movie.

I'm Alright by Kenny Loggins-Caddyshack
While we're talking about Bill Murry I had to add this little gem. If you don't remember this particular song maybe you've seen the dancing gopher that sits on your local propane dealer's desk that dances to this tune. What the hell happened to Kenny Loggins anyway?

The Power of Love by Heuy Lewis And The News-Back To The Future
This and Back In Time by God-knows-who make me want to say out loud "Your kids Marty! Something's gotta be done about your kids!" At which I reply to myself: "What do they become assholes or something?"

Hotel California by The Gypsy Kings-The Big Lebowski
"Nobody fucks with the Jesus!" How true.

Banana Boat Song by Harry Belefonte-Beetlejuice
All right these are getting too obvious.

Once In a Lifetime by The Talking Heads-Down And Out In Beverly Hills
I'm a Nick Nolte fan and this is my favorite Nick Nolte movie. This song is in contention for my favorite song ever too. At my college graduation the top student in all of the Natural Sciences department gave a speech that was based on the lyrics to this song. Before that moment the song was a bunch of gibberish. It only reminded me of Nick Nolte sifting through Beverly Hills garbage. Interesting fact about this movie: The story Nick Nolte tells about how he became a bum is a true story. Nick did get thrown in jail for making fake draft cards in the 70's.

Tougher Than Leather by Run DMC-Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Hot chick scene. The image of those four girls jumping out of the van covered in leather never leaves my mind. The chick on the far right of the group (I think) is Lunchbox's wife. Lucky bastard.

The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash-Dawn Of The Dead (new version)
The first ten minutes or so of this movie is one of my favorite openers. They play this song at the beginning title sequence. A hauntingly perfect fit.

The Lonely Bull by Herb Albert And The Tijuana Brass-Kill Bill Vol. 2
I think this song is in the movie but I'm a Herb Albert nut and I think this song fits perfectly. When I play Herb Albert at work anyone I'm working with that's over 40 perks up their ears and says, "Herb Albert?" They immediately think I have class.

Whipped Cream by Herb Albert And The Tijuana Brass-Casino Royale
While we're on the subject... They're remaking this movie with a new James Bond. Clive Owen of Closer and Danial Craig of Layer Cake are in contention. Either one would be great if it were an action pic but Casino Royale was a spoof. I wonder who will play the Woody Allen role in the new movie?

Every Song On The Pulp Fiction Soundtrack by various artists-Pulp Fiction
One of the many beauties of this movie is it's soundtrack. From Al Greene to Urge Overkill they all ring the Pulp Fiction bell every time I hear them.

Total Eclipse Of The Heart by Bonnie Tyler-Old School
The Dan Band is the name of the group that butchers this song at Will Ferrel's wedding. When I hear it on the radio I can't help but sing the revised version.

Funkytown by Lipps Inc.-Dumb and Dummer
This track was not in the movie but was in the trailer which was aired repeatedly. It just stuck.

Come Fly With Me by Frank Sinatra-Catch Me If You Can
When I hear this song I can't help but picture Leo walking down the terminal in his flight suit with all those hot chicks behind him. A truly wonderful scene. I don't even know if this song is playing in the background at the time but I always will associate the two.

Sweet Emotion by Arosmith-Dazed And Confused
Opening scene. This is one of those cases where I've heard the song a thousand times but once I saw it associated with this movie it forever altered it's meaning in my brain. If you took a shot every time Mitch grabs his nose during this movie you would die of alcohol poisoning.

Bust a Move by Young MC-Safe Men
This song is in tons of movies but if you've seen this little movie with Steve Zhan, Sam Rockwell, and Paul Giamatti as Veal Chop you know what I'm talking about. Best bar mitzvah scene ever! "From the Wailin' Wall to the Social Hall everyone stand up and wail for Big Fat Bernie Gale!"

Jumpin' Jack Flash by The Rolling Stones-Fear And Loathing In Los Vegas
This is another one of those songs that took on a new meaning once I heard it at the end of this film. I saw this movie for the first time while I was on mushrooms. Big mistake. Everyone else in the room was just as stoned as I was and demanded we turn it off during the scene where Benicio Del Toro was freaking out in the bathroom. We sat there in silence for what seemed like an eternity until I couldn't take it anymore. I got up and turned it on again, I had to see what happened. Getting through the movie was like some kind of mental obstacle course and I guess that's why the end is so important to me.

We Are Going To Be Friends by The White Stripes-Napoleon Dynamite
A perfect opening tune for this picture. There are two different people in this world: Those that get Napoleon Dynamite and those that don't. I'm very happy that I'm in the former group of people.

The Jew Fro Hall of Shame

The Urban Dictionary defines a Jew fro as "A fro that resides on the head of a Jew." Of course not all Jews have fros, big noses, nor do they all secretly run the world as your local anti-Semite might have you believe. There are in fact Jews in this world that have a curly tuft of hair on the top of their heads when not properly maintained sticks out like a period stain on a wedding dress. Just like all pigeon holed individuals on this planet there are exceptional ones and complete losers. Today I would like to talk about the latter.

#5 Kenny G


Kenny G's music is a favorite among 40 year old single women and elderly homosexual males. For years now G has produced some of the most suicide inducing music this planet has to offer. The sounds of Kenny G have actually been known to instantly sterilize baby seals. The moment Kenny was elected band president at Leonard Nemoy High School in Tuscaloosa Alabama he knew he would become an idol for the musically confused. G is known for being the artist with the highest amount of human excrement flung at his face. Defecators include Leonard Nemoy, The New York Knicks, that Al guy from Home Improvement, and Gene Simmons. America hopes he dies really soon.

#4 Larry Fine

Larry is known for his antics on the comic series The Three Stooges, but off the silver screen his life was anything but funny. Raised by feral dogs, Larry developed a taste for raw human flesh at an early age. His obsession with this grizzly pastime drug him into some of the darkest corners of the Thai black market. It is rumored that the lower half of Jerome (Curly) Howard's body was sold to Fine after his death in 1952. In addition to his fetish for flesh Larry Fine was an asshole to his wife and kids.

#3 Pauly Shore


For this particular winner I have to digress from my biographical tone. Encino Man gave me a few laughs as well as Son in Law but then again I was really fucking stupid back then. I watch these movies now and I want to gouge my eyes out. I remember seeing him in person at a club in Austin. My friend Adnon flicked peanuts at his face until he got the point and left. What a pathetic fuck. No matter what this guy does he will never shake off the lameness of In the Army Now, Biodome, and all the other vials of box office poison this talent less one trick peony shit all over. His stand up is overly sexual in order to shed the PG badge he earned in the 90's. It's like listening to a man drowning in his own vomit. Seriously I hope he gets some kind of rapidly spreading flesh eating virus.

#2 Screetch


No, I don't know his real name and just like the rest of America I don't care. I think Screech is a perfect name seeing that it's the sound his career made after Saved By The Bell was canceled. Riddle me this, how does the smartest kid at Bayside High end up assistant to the principal post college? Where's the ambition? Didn't he carry AC and Zack through high school and CU? I see AC hosts some show on animal planet now. Didn't he rape a girl? Anyway, I wonder what it's like going through your whole life being known as Screech? I hope he saved some of that Bayside money because opening malls and car dealerships ain't gunna pay the rent forever.

#1 Richard Simmons


Ok, back to the fake biographic. Simmons was hatched from a reptile egg that appeared at the doorstep of an orphanage in Maine. Without parents he drowned his sorrows by consuming an excess amount of cream cheese danishes and butter cookies. Finding himself so physically disgusting, he submitted himself to an experimental weight loss program called "Scared Skinny." The program required voluntary incarceration at San Quinton penitentiary where he could only eat the rationed portions of his food that were not stolen from his plate. The inmates used his body like a human pin cushion. The relentless and violent sodomy lasted for 5 years and like a butterfly from the chrysalis he emerged the flamboyant health guru you see before you today.

Walter

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Birthday Bonanza

John Parks


Yes, it was that time of year where everyone celebrates the fact that you have not died. I felt like dyeing three days previous when the man pictured above served me yet another gut wrenching delicacy that he serves in his rat nest he calls a kitchen. I spent the next three days spewing poop into every toilet in Austin and Travis counties.

I still had not recovered by that hollowed date of April 29, 2005. But, as they say in theater, the show must go on. In a half assed effort, I called some friends to meet at Manga pizza for a little... well... Pizza.

Naj and Chat


When dinner was over the question was raised weather we should go out or not. I voted no and told them that I was sick. I left out the gory details to spare a little dignity, but the goading continued. To shut them up I declared that I had the squirts and the thought of going from bar restroom to bar restroom on a Friday night didn't sound too pleasant to me. That did not sway anyone.

The decision was made to hit an intermediary bar to fill me full of shots to shut me up. I agreed. We went to a Mexican restaurant down the road and I hit the little boys room immediately. I only mention it because on the wall was written "I fucked a baby kitten."

Chrissy and Sean

After five shots I submitted and downtown we went. Jesus it was crowded. We went from bar to bar and a good time was had by all. I met up with some of my old cheerleading buddies and was served by one Alex Moreno. Love that guy. I would have to say that we are engaged in a heterosexual bromance. It's beautiful.

Josh and Mark


I was way drunk and feeling constricted by all the crowds and slipped out while nobody was looking. Sorry everyone. I want to thank everyone at this time for a great birthday and I appreciate the effort to coax me out.

Alex Moreno