My New Cell Phone

I love new gadgets. You can often find me perusing Gizmodo. com in search of the newest doo dad or thingy. My FUCKING POS Nokia I bought not even a year ago won't turn on. Granted I ripped the on/of switch off with my teeth, but still. Anyway, I had to drive to the nearest town to my current location which was Hobbs. If anyone has ever been to Hobbs they know it's a genetic cul-de-sac of washed up oil men and Mexican gangs. New Mexico is a sespool but Hobbs is the turd in the sespool. After much searching I was able to find a Radio Shack that would accommodate me. They sold me on this pricey little number but didn't really inform me of all the features.


Voice activated dialing
Camera
Video camera
Speaker phone
Relaxation mode that stimulates the brain while it calms and soothes
Stun gun
Laser pointer
Cures prostate cancer
Can eat a whole chicken including the bones in one sitting
Internet
Day planner
Stopwatch
Power saw
Cork Screw
During use blind kids can see
Cures erectile disfunction
Does your homework
Gets you a job
Finds your keys
Walks your dog
Retractable antenna
Power steering
Anti-lock brakes
Four different kinds of ringers
Two screens
Teaches Spanish
And can tell you if your girlfriend is cheating on you.

Man this thing was worth the money