"Trucker Cock Tastes Like Love"

Girl Scout Cookie Time

It's my favorite time of year again. No, it's not President's Day. No, it's not Ramadan. No, it's not National Porn Week. It's girl scout cookie time. These delicious little morsels of sugary goodness make this rubenesque tummy sing with want. I don't think that the descriptions on the side of these boxes give these little delights there propers. I'd like to offer these alternative descriptions.

Caramel DeLites: An orgy of coconut, caramel, and crunchy cookie that with one bite will make you want to kick the Pillsbury Dough Boy in the ballsack. The chocolate stripes and coating on the bottom is but an attache to the flavortastic symphony that is the caramel DeLite.

Classic Shortbread: Buying these cookies officially makes you a dull bastard. Might as well just go down to Wal-Mart and buy a big white trash tin of Danish Butter Cookies and throw them one by one at the little sash wearing angel in your doorstep. Seriously, what were you thinking.

Peanut Butter Creme: These tantalizing little gems are the reason George Washington Carver was born. Chrispy peanut butter cookies provide the carriage for the creamy treat inside. If you're lactose intolerant then you're screwed because these little dudes are fantastic with any kind of milk. Goat milk, cow milk, buttermilk, human milk, skunk milk, it doesn't matter because they are that fucking good!

Thin Mints: Roll out the red carpet and make way for the king of all cookies. Put them in your freezer and prepare for frozen cookie goodness. I could eat these cookies out of the asshole of a dead Chinese. In some cultures the Thin Mint is used a currency. Scientists believe that the earth began as one single Thin Mint that was so dense that it collapsed in on itself and created the Universe. Thin Mints have been known to cure cancer, rickets, leukemia, and hepatitis B. Some believe that the obesity problem in the U.S. is a result of the irresistibleness of Thin Mints. The orgasmic nature of these little crunchy yummies is undeniable. If your local girl scout is out of them kick her square in the cunt.

I Really Hate My Fucking Job Right Now

I suppose that if I was Chinese sweat shop labor working my fingers bloody attaching those little rings on nikes that hold the shoe strings I would lie to myself to justify my existence. I would tell myself that I was contributing to the world economy and my blindness and broken digits were character building. Maybe it's human nature to make the best of a situation in order to keep from suicide. This is the revelation I've made during the twilight of my employment.

Let me tell you about my working conditions. I live in a trailer. Not a double wide or even a single wide. A silver bullet has more amenities than the fucking thing I'm typing in right now. There is the constant hum of air motors and air conditioners. There is no kitchen, no television, and sometimes no couches. I had to buy my own microwave, satellite television, and stove. The internet is slow, the electricity is sketchy, and there isn't hot water in every sink. I'm in the middle of nowhere and I have to drive into town to get anything I may need. Every trip into town costs me money because gas isn't taken care of. "You got to spend money to make money.", my boss says. What a load of shit.

Now that we're on bosses let me tell you about this winner. Here is his definition of profit sharing. Money that should have gone for our Christmas bonus this year went to buying new computer screens for the trailers. Since we get to use the screens, that's profit sharing. Meanwhile, I didn't get my parents, aunts, or uncles any Christmas gifts. We did get a bonus but it was nothing compared to last years and came after Christmas. He pays his most experienced employees less than they deserve because they are so nice they don't want to ask for more money. There are no paid vacations, there is no weekends, there are only 12 hour shifts and a pat on the back. He's good about making you feel good about the job you're doing though, but there are only so many atta' boy's I can listen to before it sounds like utter bullshit. "You're a rising star in the company.", "You're doin' a great job.", all bullshit. It's just to keep you working. He must think that all his employees are fucking idiots.

I'm watching the episode of 'The Office' where Tim quits. I sympathize with him. Doesn't he come back in the second season with a promotion?