My Open Invitation to Fight You

Would you like to fight me? I'm ready, ho. Anytime you want. I can't wait till we finally meet in the flesh again, so I can knock that fat melon of yours around. Remember the time you told that guy, who told the other guy, about that shit you said about me? Yeah, that time man, that other dude told me. And I'm fucking pissed. It's been a while since I fought someone, and even longer since I got to cold-cock a shit talker. I can't wait to start picking your teeth out of my knuckles, or watch the inevitable ambulance cart you away. Hey, we can video tape it! That way I can see the knockout punch or choke hold that finally puts you under, just like in Menace to Society. Except of course, you probably won't be Asian, and I won't shoot you. Also, come on, do we need to start talking about each others moms? I mean, please, have some decency.

Anyway, I'm ready. I've watched Rocky 2 several times today, and can feel the righteous vengeance building inside, ready to explode all over you in an orgasmic explosion of fury.

Maybe afterwards we can grab a pizza. Or Chinese, fucking love Chinese.

The General is Angry

I figure, if, on average, lets say I get laid twice a week, in my employer's eyes (monetary value), that adds up to about, oh, lets say $500 a week, minimum. But, this doesn't include interest/inflation. And this interest/inflation scale is not exponential, but geometric, in that it is an exponent of itself, i.g. X^X. So, the longer I wait, the greater the buildup of interest/inflation, thus the greater the value of my loss. I figure some equation like:

Sum [(G)*(n+1)]^(n+1)

where G=average value of General activity and n=incrimental days without activity

I begin the value at of n=0, so n+1 is necessary for a true calculation.

right now, we are talking heavy coin.

I'm on day 44. Had I a diagram, it would jump off the scale, even if I reduced n by a factor of 7.

And I feel like I am dying very, very slowly, especially when that special someone talks dirty to me.

Oh yah, to those of you who don't like me out there, go fuck yourself and I will meet you in the back alley. You shit talkers know who you are.

To the rest, I love you all.

rockreeder

My New Cell Phone

I love new gadgets. You can often find me perusing Gizmodo. com in search of the newest doo dad or thingy. My FUCKING POS Nokia I bought not even a year ago won't turn on. Granted I ripped the on/of switch off with my teeth, but still. Anyway, I had to drive to the nearest town to my current location which was Hobbs. If anyone has ever been to Hobbs they know it's a genetic cul-de-sac of washed up oil men and Mexican gangs. New Mexico is a sespool but Hobbs is the turd in the sespool. After much searching I was able to find a Radio Shack that would accommodate me. They sold me on this pricey little number but didn't really inform me of all the features.


Voice activated dialing
Camera
Video camera
Speaker phone
Relaxation mode that stimulates the brain while it calms and soothes
Stun gun
Laser pointer
Cures prostate cancer
Can eat a whole chicken including the bones in one sitting
Internet
Day planner
Stopwatch
Power saw
Cork Screw
During use blind kids can see
Cures erectile disfunction
Does your homework
Gets you a job
Finds your keys
Walks your dog
Retractable antenna
Power steering
Anti-lock brakes
Four different kinds of ringers
Two screens
Teaches Spanish
And can tell you if your girlfriend is cheating on you.

Man this thing was worth the money

If I Had My Druthers

They say that money reveals the man, so in order to get in touch with myself I meditate on having more money than I would know what to do with. Here are only five of the many contributions I intend to make to society.

1. Generate Multiple Illegitimate Children

Why are we here? We're here to 'do it.' "Be fruitful and multiply." the good lord said, and that's exactly what I intend to do. I would pray on woman's lust for men with money and power by luring them into my luxurious top floor at Ceaser's and spread my DNA across the land. My infidelity would be color blind. I would travel to every part of the world to impregnate the fortune seeking women of the world and leave them with a little token so they never forget the night I said, "It's ok baby, I had a vasectomy." I can easily support the child and visit them occationally. I assume they would all be after my fortune but in the end I will be buried with all my wealth and possessions simply because they are mine.

2. Open A Chain Of Topless Defensive Driving Schools

I, like most men, hate speeding tickets and love boobies. This will be my little lugi in the eye of the entire system. The girls will get paid training and teach the class on only Saturday and Sunday afternoons. If they make $500 a class that's $1000 a weekend, not to mention what they make of off lonely salesmen and drunk frat boys the following evening. Not only that, but they getthe skills for a job that they can do with their shirts on. If you can't tell I have a special place in my heart for strippers. Two girls would teach the two 6 hour classes. They'd put on a show, choreographed by yours truly, that would both educate and entertain. Things like drawing road signs on each others stomachs and the guy who gets it right gets to lick it off or lap dances for those that score %100 on the test. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is. The course would hold about 25 guys all paying $300 a piece. That's $7,500 a class. Three classes a month is $22,500 and $270,000 a year. That could surely cover the All-U-Can-Eat buffet and rental of the strip club. I don't even have to make money, this one's for the guys. With any money I generate I'll simply open my own chain of strip clubs called "The Box."

3. Destroy MTV

I don't know how I'm going to do it yet, but it's something I have to do. When I was a kid I thought that MTV was the nexus of all that was cool. That was back in the day when videos were new and rock n' roll was still kinda alive. If you're my age and you don't remember that chick on the hood of the car in that Whitesnake video or Peter Gabrial's video to Sledge Hammer you were obviously living in a hole. MC Hammer parachute pants, Michel Jackson getting blown away on the roof of a car, Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit, and Billy Idol's Rock the Cradle of Love video all come to mind. The shows were sparse but of quality like Bevis and Butthead and Liquid Television. The Real World was awesome until it wasn't so real anymore. After LA the series went straight to hell. MTV perpetuates the manufactured music community. Brittney, NSuck, and the whole lot. It's lost it's soul. It's package-wrapped-bought-and-sold corporate shit and it cannot go on any longer. If I have to look at another Ashlee Simpson or Mudvein or Limp Bizket I think I'm going to fucking vomit!

4. Surprise Me!

Every rich mogul needs a place to hang out. My restaurant will feature semi-fine dining in a bistro setting. You have your pick of the family style menu or the individual entree menu, but there is a special option at my restaurant. You can pick a dish directly from the menu or just say, "Surprise Me!" and the chief will whip up whatever he feels like. It could be lamb chops to fried chicken, but the catch is you can't send it back and NO REFUNDS. It's for the adventurous eaters only, like myself. I will sit in the biggest booth in the corner working on bringing my next bastard child into this world.

5. Build a Monument to Johnny Cash...

Because he's the fucking man

My Letter To Max

My email to Max Boot, a senior fellow at the Council on Foreign Relations, in response to his fucking kick ass article in the LA Times. All of you had better start thinking about the future of conflict on this planet, because it is inevitable, on some front. Read the article (Link below) and Max's discussion of the concept of "Unrestricted Warfare."

Howdy Max,

I just read your most recent article "China's Stealth War on the U.S.," and was struck at how much farther along your thinking was on this subject than pretty much everyone else writing on the subject.

I have a few questions on the subject of possible inter-related foreign actions. I wonder about China developing possible alliances with various Middle Eastern countries, shoring up their need for oil at the expense USA's interests, perhaps even the West altogether. Maybe, I acknowledge this in a very extreme case but possible, using various radical groups as proxy groups to carry out attack of all
sorts inside the US or our various scattered interests. But, like Chinese military philosophers favored way of using surprise to exploit the enemy, a combination of oil restriction, proxy attacks on mainland US, and a currency dump, far ahead in the future, would seriously destabilize America on all fronts. Throw in an attack on various crucial Internet nodes and satellite systems, and complete chaos. Or these could happen in on a longer time scale than just concurrently.

I guess my real question is, do you think, in part, that Iraq is a long term hedge while Manufacturing companies develop more practical energy techniques, such as the hybrid, fuel cell, etc., to prevent such instability on the energy front? And are these hypothetical actions really a possibility, noting China's aggressive past behavior?

And who, internally would profit the most from the sale of Unocal?

And is anyone looking at these possibilities besides you, besides pundits and screamers?

I know your time is very valuable, and I really do appreciate any efforts on your behave, even just reading this email.

Stay cool,

rockreeder


Max, we love you buddy. You are one smart SOB!

Indeed Max, stay cool....

Chad's Last Ball Just Dropped

Those Japanese can make a fucking robot, no doubt. The fucking thing may only move at 1.5 km/hr, but baby steps dude, baby steps. Find it here, and breath a little bit easier.

rockreeder

Marry Me Jessica!

My dearest Jessica I know you don't know me from Adam and this may sound a little creepy, but will you marry me? Wait, wait, don't get all creeped out on me just yet. Let me explain myself.

First off, I've never seen an episode of your show. I don't watch it because my extreme jealousy of Nick Lashey will only drive me to express it with destruction of public and private property. I've also shunned MTV ever since The Real World went to New Orleans and TRL became a big hit. Even if there was a video that I liked, they never played the whole thing and even that was drowned out with, "Oh my God! I'm Hillary from Miami and I think Puff Daddy is the Bizzomb! Tee hee!"

Anyway, on with the proposal. Being the all American girl that you are, you need an all American guy. Nick is simply a metrosexual automaton riding your coattails. A real man has sizzle on his chest and doesn't use gel by the gallons. A real man gets fucked up with his buddies and talks about gambling, guns, and pussy! I don't see Nick doing that. Can't you see he's using you! Nobody knew his freaking name before he married you. "Nick LaWho?" they would say. More like Nick LaNobody. What does he do anyway? Maybe if I watched the show I'd know, but he looks like a soap actor to me.

While we're talking about America, I want to apologize on behalf of America for putting you second to Brittany Spears for so long. I don't know what was wrong with us. Man, what were we thinking? Her wholesome virginity was blinding, but once the vail of corporate imagery was lifted we can now all see very clearly.

The truth is, I've never heard any of your music or even know much about you, but I do know that... well... you're intellectually lazy. No problem here! That makes you perfect in my eyes. All I ask for is blind devotion and the willingness to satisfy my every sexual desire. Is that so much to ask? You truly are the only chicken of the tunafish in the sea for me, baby!

If you happen to see this post, please let me know. I have lawyers on retainer to make your separation painless and am willing to sign a prenup.

As for your sister, I would like to keep her around so I can verbally berate her every chance I get. I don't think I could get tired of telling her to, "Shut the fuck up!" or, "Get the fuck away from me!"

There are those that will call me a fool but didn't they also call Einstein and Galileo fools? I liken myself to them only because, to me, this task is as monumental as the realization that the world revolves around the sun and the theory special relativity.

I'm only an American man chasing the American dream. So baby, like ABBA said, "Take a chance on me!"

Bound to Happen...

As Mike so accurately stated, yes, two roughnecks fought, but only one was left standing, giving light to the creed "Two roughnecks enter, one roughneck leave." This contest featured two of our previous friends: Dave, who is on the outs and lost his wife and kids to one of Wyoming's doughnut chompin' finest, and Marcus, the Sam Elliot dude who is cool as fuck, and yet looks like he could punch through you, thus being able to wave to the pretty girl you were making time with a few seconds previous to your demise. Ever since Dave lost a whole lot of shit, things have been missing around the rig grounds. Marcus lost a few of his tools, and decided to engage in a heated debate about the recent whereabouts of his personal effects. Dave tells him, basically, to go fuck himself, following up with a line he will not soon forget: "Bring it Old Man!"

Now, I know a few things in life, how a clock works, what licorice is the best brand (red vines, ho), when to walk from a blackjack table, and so forth. BUT, what I know for certain is that you don't talk shit to a man from Louisiana, who looks like Sam Elliot, who spent time in prison, who has worked with his hands his whole life, and who outweighs you by about 40 lbs, and whose forearms look like they were carved out of stone. Dave, too, now knows this very difficult lesson, after losing a chunk of his ear and probably about half a million neurons.

Dave was not smart to begin with.

Apparently, he is probably going to run his mouth off to the head office, even though it happened off site, technically, and he should fucking know better than to steal Marcus's stuff.

But, then again, Dave is not smart.

we are about 5600 ft from being back in the hole, and my ass is about to go office space on this piece of shit printer Tim still has not replaced. Or the fucking Air conditioner that sucks balls. I take that back, if it sucked balls, it would have a purpose, instead of being a worthless lump of shit that blows air the equivalent of those stupid battery-powered hand fans. WHEEEEEE!

Yesterday, Mike, Todd and I cruised up to the waterfall by the reservoir that the locals had no idea existed. Quick nerd calculations figured that about 250-300 gal/sec poured over just a fantastic view of the basin below. Then Todd regaled us with the many fantastically tragic stories visited upon him.

I don't feel sorry for him since he found a woman to be the receptacle of his ejaculate just the other day. Her man was in jail, and, well, drink 'em if you got 'em.

Other than that, I finally opened up a Wells Fargo Account that I cannot access until I bring the detective's name (Detective Greer 512-974-4402) and case number (5015067) of my fraudulently used but closed checking account. BTW, Fuck University Federal Credit Union. If you see a heavy set black man, age 25-35, 5'8"-6' tall, saying his name is Reed Marshal Becker, please call me and the police. That fucker needs a block dropped on his head, in a very equal opportunity way. Maybe by a Semite even, I dunno, maybe....

I Love you all, and would take my time makin' love to each and every one of you very special people.

rockreeder

Mad Bastards

Well, the world continues to revolve at 7.27 x 10^-5 radians a second (a circle has 2pi radians, the earth's circumference is 24,900 miles, so figure it out yourself, you lazy bastards), and I am here marking time while the mill tries to fish out the 3 cones lost off the drilling bit. Driller here is a little, uh, spun up, so he got aggressive with the weight on bit last night. Good guy, but always seems pissed. Fuck it, the guy gave me a respite, so he's aces in this dirty Jew's book (fine Chad, half-Jew, you fucking cocksucka!). Doing the actual job is quite a bit more stressful, but oddly more satisfying. After my tower was done, my fat ass went over to the motor man's trailer (he brings his own) and hung out with him and these 2 chick he brought over. This is a fucking rarity, chicks on (thought technically not "on-site") site are sort of rock stars on a 1/400th scale, in that everyone wants to be near them. Todd, the motor man, is cool. He does too many drugs, drinks too much whiskey, smokes too many Marlboro reds, and curses like a sailor fucked another sailor, had a kid, and that kid married a truck driver, and they had a kid. Yah, that kid. But he is an honest mutha fucka, and that goes a hell of a long way in my book. And, despite his worst intentions, is a good dude with a rough life. Todd reminds me of Ronny on "Run Ronny Run!," but not the Hollywood version, the actual one. Missing 2 front teeth, no shirt on half the time, loud as all get out, and like Chad, no filter. And it is fucking great. Anyway, these 2 gals were pulling the "mother-daughter routine," but seemed pretty cool, just looking for a bit of fun in this placid universe. If they were looking for interesting, they sure found it. The rig is a place of personality if there ever was one. As I hung in the trailer doing things I shouldn't be (like I give a fuck), a procession of roughnecks came on by. Leo is this huge black dude, a rarity in this good ol' boy world, and after this line of wells, he's out for good. He has a fishing tour business out in Victoria, about 50-60 miles outside of Corpus, and will take you and 4 others out all day for $450. The man is a champion fisher, sporting various shirts the envy of all lesser fishers, and knows all the hot-spots where even lesser fishermen, like myself, can catch all day long. Sounds like a road trip to me.

Ricky, or whatever the fuck his name is, is a 26 year-old roughneck who has the confidence of a bullfighter. In his words: "I ain't ugly, I make good money, and I'm a fun guy." I get the feeling he's trying a bit to hard to come of as cool, but then again, everyone measures their dick once in a while. When he boldly entered the trailer, he announced "where's the pussy? I need to fuck!" After concurring with his assessment of 18 year old women, I was jokingly asked to leave by Todd. But, seriously, this job, with it's non-user friendly 24-7 philosophy, does not allow for me to receive any warm body next to me at night or the morning. And, it is killing me, a lot alot. Finding time to jerk off is near impossible, and I almost jumped at Dave's offer to take up the "mom" in the deal. But work and a healthy fear of herpes kept these pants buckled, thank God. Also her ran roughshod sandpaper face didn't secure the necessary mechanics of the deal. The General needs stimulus!

Dave, by the way, walked in on his wife with their neighbor, an ex-cop, and subsequently lost his place, his car, and his kids because of this woman, who never had a job the entire time he was with her. Gotta love people.

Cold tots await me back in the trailer. Oh, anyone want to go to Vegas on the 20th for a few days? Chad? Dolph? Abi? Jesus? I am going for sure.

Lots of Love,

reeder

Zombie Preparation

When the zombie invasion comes, will YOU be ready? Will you be ready when Darwin's theory does a 180 and he returns from the grave to chomp on your poodle. Will you be ready when you're faced with the decision to blow out the brains of your vacant eyed lover? WILL YOU BE READY, when the gates of hell are opened and disembowlments become status quo? I've devised a simple guide that will better prepare you for what will be a true test of your survival skills.

Know Your Zombie
When engaging with a zombie you have to know his strengths and weaknesses. Here are a few questions you should ask yourself before you do battle with the undead. What is the zombies top speed? Do you have the crystal meth zombies of 28 Days Later or the standard slow moving Night of the Living Dead zombies? You want to avoid zombie engagement at all costs so knowing how they sense you is very important as well. Do they smell your brains, do they simply hear you, can they see, or do they stumble around aimlessly until they bump into something worth sinking their teeth into? How mushy are your zombies? The decomposition of their flesh can very depending on the method of zombiefacation. Some zombie viruses give the flesh a soft, easily ripped apart, texture while others simply keep the human meaty firmness. To test it, simply bludgeon it with a baseball bat or pipe wrench. What is the zombie's week point? We all know that destroying the brain is the most popular method, but you never know with fuckin' zombies. Is the virus spread via biting or is it an airborne virus? How smart are your zombies? Are they super-smart-hyper-evolved zombies or are they mindless cannibals? The best way to determine this is by simple rouge like coming up behind them, tapping them on the left shoulder, and shifting over to the right. Their reaction time and realization of what's going on can help you determine their intelligence.

Arm Yourself
When picking weaponry you'll need a long range firearm, a short range firearm, a club of some sort, and plenty of ammo. I would suggest a .45 Cal rifle and a sawed off 12 gauge shot gun, but really whatever you can get your hands on will do. At this point in the game a sporting goods stores gun shops are fair game. It's important to take advantage of the looting before the zombie virus gets too out of control. Find the closest Wal-Mart or Crazy Bob's Gun Bonanza and lock and load. For a bludgeoning device I would suggest an aluminum bat or long handled axe. If you can find a mace or a samurai sword, you've hit the mother load. If you can find explosives, it would be a good idea to grab those as well. You never know when you'll have to clear a bloody path through the legions of the damned.

Fashion
You'll need to wear clothing that isn't too loose but allows for good body movement. You don't want those flesh eating bastards to grab your coattail so they can chew on your balls like Cheddar-peppers do you? Tuck in and avoid loose clothing. Leather or spandex would be optimal. You'll also need plenty of straps and harnesses to holster your weapons. The toes, fingers, and head are all major bite points. Steel toe boots, leather gloves, and head gear are all good to have. Goggles or sunglasses can keep splattering blood from your eyes. You don't want to get caught in a potential zombie dog pile situation because you got the local librarian's blood in your baby blues.

Diet
Fluids, drink lots and lots of fluids. You would be amazed at how fast you become dehydrated when your adrenaline is pumping at a critical concentrations and you've been swinging a chainsaw through corpses all day. Eat plenty of carbs and sugar to keep your energy up. Avoid deep fried foods and red meat. Lentils and beans are also a bad choice. Absolutely NO pizza!!!

Proper Transportation
When you have time it would be good to equip your vehicle with anti-zombie gear such as a brush guard or large bumper. All terrain tires and four wheel drive are a must. Good ground clearance is necessary for when you have to plow your way through the living-challenged. Pack the car with plenty of food and water because you might have to stay there for a while. Extra gas tanks or canisters have to be kept on board. No time to stop at the gas station when running from the damned. Large cargo holds are good for picking up stragglers and well informed survivors like yourself.

Finding A Hideout That's Right For You
When the zombie reckoning comes, the best thing to do is head for the least populated areas. There you will find minimal zombie activity and plenty of open space to travel in. If you've picked up a few tag-alongs along the way you may want to find some sort of Knights of Columbus hall or community center. If the day of zombifacation occurred in the summertime or on a weekend you might want to scope out the local school. Schools will have plenty of food, cooking equipment, and bathroom facilities. If your party is small simply confiscate some country mansion. If the residents are still at home, who cares, it's the goddamn end of the world here! Inform them that their money and property now have no value and the rules have changed. They may have to be restrained until they figure out that you mean business!

Well there you go. Just sit back and tune in to your local radio or TV stations (until they go off the air that is) and watch the chaos unfold. While you're watching the footage of zombies using your neighbors skull for a cereal bowl full of their own brain matter you'll be saying to yourself, "I'm sure glad I was ready."

Post Multiple Sex Partner Hilarity!

I have seen many, many videos on the Internet, of all sorts. But this one here takes the fucking cake. The dude's reaction to Maury is just the best, leaving no trace of ambiguity as to how he feels about the announcement. Just fucking great.

The Robot Armageddon

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm constantly in preparation for the Robot Armageddon. If you don't know what that is, you better start doing your research. Sure, Robots now are simple floor vacuums and lawn mowers, but just wait... Just you wait. Already American companies are experimenting with robots called S.W.O.R.D.S. These robots can carry machine guns and/or grenade launchers. In conjunction with IRobot's swarm programming, we may see the end of human casualties of war. Drone robot planes that are controlled remotely can be shot down without the worry of military death or capture by the enemy. These are all positive aspects of these robots but I see the inherent danger in such power.

There are two ways the Robot Armageddon can come about. First, we can't rule out the possibility of the single mad genius on the loose in search of global conquest. The Hitler of robots he will be called. The world will be the biggest Battlebots field ever where the winner not only gets a golden nut, but the glory of world domination.

Second, there is always the possibility of self awareness. It starts off like Terminator, where some small malfunction leads to armies of Arnolds and Robert Patricks coming for your children. Oh yeah, it could happen. Next we are enslaved in some sort of Matrix senerio where we are pacified by virtual reality programs run by evil agents wearing suits, but in the real world there is no Neo. There is no Morphious or Trinity or whatever the fuck that French guy's name was. We will all certainly be screwed.

The only way to prevent either one of these peradigms is to prepare. So, when I saw this Neo-Mech for sale on eBay, my eyes lit up and my heart skipped a beat. Finally a way for citizens like you and me to engage the enemy and prevent what surely will be the end of us all.

Forty thousand for a prototype Mech unit was quite a chunk of change. Even if I sold my recently-dented-to-shit truck, I could never afford such a device. I would have to cash in my life insurance and rob several fine spirit establishments to achieve my goal. Before I went out on this rampage of thievery I needed some questions answered so I contacted the creators of Neo-Mech.


Sirs,

I'm incredibly curious about your Neo-Mech. How long did this endeavor take? Where did you get the parts? Why are there limitations on the reach of the step? Can bend down and lift? What about hand launching capabilities? Are the cartridges for the flame throwers in a safe location on the Mech? Have any of you sustained injuries while operating the Mech in it's beta stages? Is Alaska really cold? It looks cold. Does it have shields? Can it wield a shield? Hold a weapon? Grip? What kind of maintenance does it require? Does it have a weak point? What is the prototype's reaction time? Can it tip over a car? Have you guys ever bought, sold, or taken massive amounts of drugs? Let's say that I'm a crazy investor with a lot of money to spend, tell me why I should invest. Remember, I am crazy.

Chadwick Hintz

I was quickly given a response:

Most of these questions can be answered on my website, www.neogentronyx.com, I
aplogise for the seemingly short and consise email, I just have a lot of other
emails to reply to, so please dont think that this is me blowing you, off, but
really those questions you asked are all answered in my website.

All exept the drugs and whatnot, you sort of lost me there. I get a lot of
questions however your the first to ask that one, I can tell you that no I do
not use drugs, nor do I work or associate with anyone who does. I have better
things to do with my time.

Alaska is cold in the winetr and hot in the summer, just liek anywhere else, 87 yesterday.

Sorry, no sheilds, at least not on this first prototype;)

Hand launching? thats a good idea, I'll write it down.

Yes the flame thrower fuel is in a safe location,a nd cannot sustain damage where its at.

No there have been no injuries sustained on or near or because of the mech.

WHy should you invest?

Nascar started out as a bunch of guys driving around a track for hours on end, and then they would win a trophy.

Nowadays Nascar is a bunch of guys driving around a track for hours on end winning a trophy and makiing tens of billions of dollars a year.

Mecha will do for the future of robotic sports entertainment, what Nascar did
for the automotive industry.

Bottom line is, this is a considerable opportunity for the right person with
the right vision.

If there are any other.... questions.. you would like to ask regarding (this
project), please fell free to ask.

Carlos Owens

www.neogentronyx.com

(This is an actual responce to an actual letter, I assure you.)

I like what I hear Carlos... I like what I hear.

Dance of the Mind

The job gives you free time. Say you are watching the shale shaker, and you begin to compare the erratic vibrations of the filtering mud/cuttings to the gravitational well of a black hole. Noted Quantum Mechanic work by Stephen Hawkings describes the interesting phenomenon of photon emission by black holes. The nature of our universe, multiverse really, shows that all outliers are possible, given enough time, and since time is just another dimension, one that moves, these outliers will occur. The structure of a black hole is such that the space-time curve has reached it's maximum, so as it emits these outlying photons, it gets smaller and begins to excrete more and more of them, eventually reducing to nothing. The shale shaker is similar, though obviously dependant on different factors. Screens, amount of water (which is based on other factors, but I digress), strength of the motor, etc. But I notice how every once in a while, a shot of mud lands on me, mike, or the Louisiana roughneck pimp who reminds me of Sam Elliot. All of us outside the shaker boundary by 2 feet. If it was a closed system, eventually it would all shoot out, though not on the crazy 10^64 year scale of a black hole. The freaky string nature of the universe, makes you wonder. Non sequitur, here is the Chad Reed Conversation on women:

[00:06] thechdwck: how about why women are destroying the world
[00:06] SgtCrunktastic: What happened
[00:06] SgtCrunktastic: Tell me
[00:06] thechdwck: nothing
[00:06] SgtCrunktastic: I will fold you in a warm platonic digital embrace
[00:06] SgtCrunktastic: haha
[00:06] SgtCrunktastic: women are lost
[00:06] SgtCrunktastic: very lost
[00:07] SgtCrunktastic: Feminism taught them free thinking and free love
[00:07] SgtCrunktastic: but didn't explain to them their desires
[00:07] SgtCrunktastic: now they just want to be seen as beautiful
[00:07] SgtCrunktastic: without structuring the inside
[00:07] SgtCrunktastic: They never understood that their mothers had to build the world they already occupy
[00:08] thechdwck: write about that
[00:08] SgtCrunktastic: so they assume all problems are everyone else's fault
[00:08] SgtCrunktastic: I'll paste it in
[00:08] SgtCrunktastic: Women had to STRUGGLE FOREVER
[00:08] SgtCrunktastic: as the beating polls of humanity
[00:09] SgtCrunktastic: now everything is new
[00:09] SgtCrunktastic: and they don't understand the consequences of their actions
[00:09] SgtCrunktastic: nor the fact that they have to live everyday with the knowledge of what they have done
[00:09] SgtCrunktastic: it's why coke is attractive to many
[00:09] thechdwck: YES!
[00:09] SgtCrunktastic: keeps everything surface
[00:09] thechdwck: That's what I want!
[00:09] SgtCrunktastic: I want a deep understanding
[00:09] SgtCrunktastic: and a great lay

I love you all, you fucking bastards.

rockreeder

Movies! I Love Movies! / Celebrity Theory

I'm just back from seeing the Fantastic 4. They are pretty fantastic but the movie is what I call 'Movie Light.' Not too complicated, nothing too deep, no outstanding acting, no huge plot twists, but entertaining none the less. I could just stare at a poster of Jessica Alba for two and a half hours and say the same thing probably. The best part of the movie was the transition the characters make from scientists and pilots to super heros. From their first super hero act to the end they had a very believable presence in New York. They could have picked a better villain though. Dr. Doom was played by that guy from Nip/Tuck. I've only seen two episodes and can't say that I'm that impressed.

I hate to digress, but I can't stand TV dramas. Let me be more specific: TV dramas that don't appear on HBO. Everyone told me that Nip/Tuck was awesome, eh. Everyone told me that The Shield was awesome, eh. I even gave Buffy the Vampire Slayer a try, eh. X Files, eh. Monk, eh. In fact, I'll go so far to say that anything not on HBO or Cartoon Network, besides the Simpsons, isn't worth my time. That's why I love movies.

Nobody's going to movies anymore. Attendance been on a five month decline and the movie business is in a slump. My theory is that people like their home theaters. DVDs are a great quality medium and now you can rent online or in the store with no late fees. People are paying big bucks for huge high definition, plasma screen, light pulse, and all manner of home entertainment and if you're paying upwards of $5,000 for a television you're probably going to get good use out of it. Speaking of cash, a movie ticket in LA costs $15 to $20 bucks. I don't even go anymore unless it's a matinee even then I have to pay $6! Insane!

I still love going to the movies though. War of the Worlds was something that you just can't experience in a home theater. When I saw this movie the people in the theater were reacting to the sheer awesomeness of this si-fi classic. It was the most cinematic experience I've had since I saw Jurassic Park. Now when I say cinematic, I don't necessarily mean it's a great movie. It means that it's something that is meant to be seen in a theater. The action is larger than life and requires a gigantic screen and an audience to join you in the crescendos and grandeur of the film. This is why I still think that 'The Beard' is the best movie maker of all time. Peter Jackson is an approaching second, but Spielberg made Jaws. Enough said.

While we're on this subject can we PLEASE leave Tom Cruise the fuck alone. Is he gay? Is the marriage real? Is it a scam? What is all this scientology bullshit? Good glory hole! Can't we leave well enough alone? First, what does it matter anyway if Cruise has concocted this GIGANTIC scheme with his personal life to hide the fact that he loves cock? What does it really matter if he worships space aliens and doesn't take Prozac? I know people that are ten times as strange as Tom Cruise but they don't make the news every GD day. Everyone's got an opinion on the guy. My opinion is that he's one of my favorite actors. Overactors like Pachino and Cruise are my favorites. They're passion and craziness is so out of control that it leaps out of the screen, grabs you by the shoulders, and says "Listen to me! I'm saying something passionate!" I love that cheezy shit. But Tom plays it pretty low key in War of the Worlds and he sells the shit out of it, because he's a great actor.

Some of this craziness around Cruise can be explained by something that either Eric Idle or John Cleese or one of those Monty Python guys said once. They said that people were meant to exist in groups of 500. That way everyone knows who 'The Warrior' is, who 'The Hunter' is, 'The Intellectual', 'The Politician', 'The Smithy', or whatever role that fills a particular need of the group. If you think about it, it takes about 500 people to provide all the services it would take to sustain 500 people. It's really a perfect number. Since some people are more essential than others it becomes an evolutionary necessity to know who certain people are. Thus a celebrity is created. Times have changed. Now our brains have to get used to living in a world with cable news, cell phones, and the internet. Hell, it hasn't been that long since the telegraph. We're living on a global scale here and it's hard to wrap our minds around the concept that these actors are known by millions and millions of people. Our brain says that this is important since everyone knows them but it isn't important since they don't impact our lives. In turn, not only do the celebrities themselves have the luxury of having no boundaries as far as what they can do with their money, but also an awareness that the world is watching. I think that their brains and our brains can't quite handle it. It doesn't compute and that's why we saturate our lives with theirs. It's just a theory, but the more you think about it, the more it makes sense.

Ok, back to the movies. Batman isn't my favorite of the summer but it is definitely the best movie I've seen this summer. I was pleasantly surprised with how well put together the story was. The cast was stellar. Morgan Freeman, Michel Cain, Liam Neeson, Gary Oldman, Patrick Bateman... I mean Christian Bale, and, yes, Katie Holmes were all awesome. Quite a flick.

So, get your ass to the movies. I've completed my GRE studies so now I can concentrate on writing my script again. "The Hulked Out Indians vs. The Out of Work Wrestler" (It's a working title) will eventually be completed. Apparently writing it is the easy part it's the whole selling it that's hard. If it does make it to the big screen, please don't wait for the DVD.

The Hilly Wilds of Neola Utah 83053!

Being the adventurous sort, and having spent just about as much time as one can in a trailer and on the Internet (mutually inclusive), the itch to explore the area took hold, and I was off. The area around the rig is fucking beautiful. Mostly sand with frequently spotted plants and trees. I kept running into the strangest shit out there. Old Jars and cans, Blown up trailers from 1987, either by accident, Tornado, or Redneck C-4, and I grabbed what looked like an Old West Laudanum bottle. Really beautiful. I wandered until I was about 2-3 miles out, decided I wouldn't find the waterfall everyone keeps talking about today, and headed back in. No snakes, some lizards, lots of bugs that imitate rattlesnake sounds by flapping on surrounding vegetation. Or at least I speculate. Fuck I wish I had a camera.

I get back to rig, head up to the doghouse to chat with the old boys. More stories of 2 million lbs blocks, 4500 horsepower rigs that can go 27,000 feet down, which of course, I fucking love. The guys talk about the rigslike they do about their trucks, or better yet, their own little toy with which they rip apart at the forces holding the Earth together. Trying to learn so much so quickly, but I have to admit, I love it out here. Damn those progressive ideals! But it is fun as hell.

Everyone out here is cool. Usually no one is trying to fuck with anyone else. Everyone feels necessary, everyone out here works hard, everyone out here makes good money. Kinda of like a traveling burning man. Shit, on more levels than one.

Well, some short dicks try to stump your cord too. One dude Jon bitched about me to the company man for hanging around "too long" just to watch the end of The Missing. Get some balls, talk to me, I wouldn't have had a problem. Then the dude accused me of taking his fucking business card book. Of course, again, not to me.

Dude....

This ain't the 80's.

Some pricks look at this gorgeous mug, and just can't help but try and piss on the pants leg.

I digress...

Everyone on this rig is cool. I'm hear for a month, the shit is kick ass, Cartman style.

My broke ass has to find some food.

Glorious Respect onto The Chad!

Out from Utah.

Dynamite Monkey

I had to put this up. I saw this on Fark.com and had to post it. The title of the photoshop was The last picture I took before it was too late.