Everyone Is Gay

This is for the guy who primps for hours in the mirror. The guy who gets all sensitive when his buddies point out that he's getting a little fatter. This is for the guy who stays up all night when American Classic Movies runs an Audrey Hepburn marathon. The guy who secretly feels something move in his pants every time he sees a Richard Simmons fitness tape. You know who you are.

When you're a male cheerleader for 4 and a half years you ask yourself the same question every day, "Is what I'm doing at this particular moment... Gay?" It was a constant battle with my sexuality. It didn't help that every time I told someone that I was a Texas Cheerleader I would get a look that said, "I understand, I have a cousin that's gay." Then it would be followed by the same revelation every time, "I know why you're a yell leader. It's because you get to look up the girls skirts? Huh? Huh?" Then it's the inevitable question, "Does your finger ever, ya know, slip in her ya?" College cheerleader is a sexual paradox. It's the only position that is both a gay and straight fantasy.

I was a heterosexual man at the front lines of all that is gay. I've seen gayness in all it's glory. From the blatantly gay to the closet homosexual to the over-effeminate-heterosexual. These people are not just in cheerleading, no way, they're everywhere. In your job, in your family, in your favorite bar or restaurant, and just about every place else. Cheerleading was like that black light at a crime scene that shows where the ejaculate stains are. It brings unseen personality traits into a better light. This is why I feel I am an expert in this field.

The problem is that church, the media, and maybe even your parents have plugged the idea that there are men and that there are women. Men are more aggressive and women are more submissive. Men go out and work and women stay at home and cook. I know that these are incredibly primitive contrasts and social goals have changed over time but the point is that society tends to promote the whole man is different than a woman thing. We're programmed from birth to only see this binary system. In fact, it is more dynamic than that.

Things are starting to change. Will and Grace, Ellen, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, and that black guy who does the 60 second pop segment on CNN are all part of the new exposure to gays. Art truly imitates life. Here in the real world men are lacking more and more everyday in the manliness category. There's even a new book out called "The Male Biological Clock". I'm seeing more men playing the victim in a relationship. The term Metrosexual is now in everyone's lexicon. I even know guys that have those little body lotion sponges in their showers! The gays are taking over! Oh where have you gone John Wayne? Where have we gone astray? What are we to do?

I'll tell you what you do. Except it. The facts are that there is a spectrum from 1 to 10 where 1 is Flaming-Drag-Queen-Lispy-Queer Male and 10 is Gun-Toting-Meat-Eating-Football-Watching-heterosexual Male. You and I fall somewhere on this spectrum. Anywhere between 1 and 4 is straight. Four being the overeffemanate male I talked about earlier. Ten to 6 is gay. At 5 there is something I like to call "The Dick Line." The Dick Line is the nexus of sexuality. It represents the point where you start liking cock. Either liking cock or fantasizing about another man fondling your cock or whatnot. Is 5 gay? It's a matter of opinion. I say yes. The same thing works for women but 5 is called the "The Clit Split." It's always been this way it's just been hidden by the bombardment of the binary paradigm.

This idea is far from unprecedented. I've never read anything by Margaret Mead or Ruth Benedict, but these two lesbo anthropologists are the ladies credited with first recognizing the homosexuality spectrum. So, guys, next time you pluck your eyebrows or catch yourself watching Christopher Lovell ask yourself, "Is what I'm doing at this particular moment... Gay?"