Not Convinced

Oh God I'm going to hell for writing this, but, fuck it. I'm sure what I'm about to write is going to bite me in the ass so hard I'll feel it until my death, but I'm going to be honest. There's no sense in sugar coating the truth. She was hideous. A grotesque. A truly scary woman. Her buggy eyes were so far apart she wouldn't see me if I was standing right in front of her. Horse teeth, braces, giant lips, pale as a ghost, and monstrous. She had bony shoulders, cankles but wasn't fat. Truly and odd combination. On top of all that she dressed like my dead grandmother. When I turned around from the bar to see her sitting there I felt sick to the stomach thinking, "What the hell have I gotten into?" I was so shocked I walked away from the bar without paying for my beer. When I returned to the beckon call of the bartender she said, "Have fun, she's very pretty." I know she had to either be nearsighted or kissing my ass for a tip. She got the tip but she wasn't fooling anyone.

I should have run like a ruptured duck in a hailstorm, but that would not be nice. Plus, she might have something interesting to say or have a witty personality. Hell, I might as well stick around since I paid $15 bucks for a car wash and $100 on a new outfit. I did most of the talking since she really didn't have anything to say. I honestly try to give everyone a chance but this was going nowhere fast. We bolted for the movie and to be honest we couldn't get there fast enough. The darkness would be a welcome friend. I continued my plight to be charming, even buying a shake from a next door Johnny Rockets to surprise her with. I was stopped by a manager who told me I couldn't enter with outside food or beverage. I wouldn't have been as cross with him if Johnny Rockets wasn't $12 bucks for two shakes. Jesus! Thank God she was in the theater and didn't see the scene I almost caused. I ate mine quickly, tossed hers, and went inside to watch the movie I'd been waiting over 20 years to see, Revenge of the Sith.

I was so excited, I forgot all about the nightmare next to me. She was sitting so far on the opposite end of her chair she might as well have sat in the isle.

I'll skip all the details about the movie and get to what I really want to talk about: Anikin's turn to the dark side. There are several reasons this doesn't work for me. First is the piss poor writing skills of George Lucus. Maybe it's because he's never been married and has adopted all his kids, but the man can't write a love scene if his life depended on it. The, "I'm blinded by love. ", "No, I'm blinded by love more." line was worse than Episode II's, "Everything here is nice and smooth." This is key because I have to be convinced that these two are in complete love with one another. And another thing, if he truly loved her would he have threatened her life at the end of the movie? He almost killed her with his patented choke slam. That's a pretty strange move for someone who's betrayed everything he knows in order to preserve the very lives he was just about to end.

Second is the performance by Hayden Christianson. I have decided that I like Jar Jar Binks better than Anikin Skywalker in this new series. Most Star Wars fans would kick me square in the nuts to hear me say that, but let me tell you why. Jar Jar is a bumbling diplomat from a planet of silly creatures, and he acts like it. Anikin is supposed to be liked by the audience, in love with Padume, and be the best Jedi fighting for the Republic. He's none of those things. He's everything he's not supposed to be. He's annoying to watch, his relationship with Padume feels forced, and Obi-Wan and Yoda are far better Jedi than he is. He's supposed to have saved Obi-Wan 9 times but never do we see it. Ben proves himself far more than Anikin does in this film. He kills Grievous and dismembers Anikin.

Third, if I'm going to kill a dozen kids and turn my back on over 20 years of Jedi training, then I'd better be damn sure I'm doing it for the right reasons. Sidious comes to him with this promise of resurrecting people from the dead but never shows him how to do it. Now if Sidious had sliced a bantha in half and brought him back to life that would be a different story. Instead he goes on the word of this old man who spins a yarn ( as old people tend to do) about this guy with an equally menacing name that could magically Jesus people back to life. I simply don't buy it.

Ewan McGreggor did a great job though. He took the shit lines that Lucas gave him and turned them into something believable. At the end of the movie he might as well have been saying, "What the fuck Anikin? This doesn't make any sense." I was right there with him. Of course I was happy to see him get torched and everything tie together so nicely. All of that is pointless, hell, the entire series is pointless if Vader's turn isn't believable. I didn't buy it and left the theater completely unsatisfied.

Back to the reality of the situation. I had to take the bigfoot home. She bought me a cabana bowl so she wasn't all bad. I dropped her off and hopefully I'll never hear from her again. She knows the address of this blog and will probably read this and cry. That makes me feel bad, but this was the reality of the situation and I felt that you guys would get a kick out of it.