The Jew Fro Hall of Shame

The Urban Dictionary defines a Jew fro as "A fro that resides on the head of a Jew." Of course not all Jews have fros, big noses, nor do they all secretly run the world as your local anti-Semite might have you believe. There are in fact Jews in this world that have a curly tuft of hair on the top of their heads when not properly maintained sticks out like a period stain on a wedding dress. Just like all pigeon holed individuals on this planet there are exceptional ones and complete losers. Today I would like to talk about the latter.

#5 Kenny G


Kenny G's music is a favorite among 40 year old single women and elderly homosexual males. For years now G has produced some of the most suicide inducing music this planet has to offer. The sounds of Kenny G have actually been known to instantly sterilize baby seals. The moment Kenny was elected band president at Leonard Nemoy High School in Tuscaloosa Alabama he knew he would become an idol for the musically confused. G is known for being the artist with the highest amount of human excrement flung at his face. Defecators include Leonard Nemoy, The New York Knicks, that Al guy from Home Improvement, and Gene Simmons. America hopes he dies really soon.

#4 Larry Fine

Larry is known for his antics on the comic series The Three Stooges, but off the silver screen his life was anything but funny. Raised by feral dogs, Larry developed a taste for raw human flesh at an early age. His obsession with this grizzly pastime drug him into some of the darkest corners of the Thai black market. It is rumored that the lower half of Jerome (Curly) Howard's body was sold to Fine after his death in 1952. In addition to his fetish for flesh Larry Fine was an asshole to his wife and kids.

#3 Pauly Shore


For this particular winner I have to digress from my biographical tone. Encino Man gave me a few laughs as well as Son in Law but then again I was really fucking stupid back then. I watch these movies now and I want to gouge my eyes out. I remember seeing him in person at a club in Austin. My friend Adnon flicked peanuts at his face until he got the point and left. What a pathetic fuck. No matter what this guy does he will never shake off the lameness of In the Army Now, Biodome, and all the other vials of box office poison this talent less one trick peony shit all over. His stand up is overly sexual in order to shed the PG badge he earned in the 90's. It's like listening to a man drowning in his own vomit. Seriously I hope he gets some kind of rapidly spreading flesh eating virus.

#2 Screetch


No, I don't know his real name and just like the rest of America I don't care. I think Screech is a perfect name seeing that it's the sound his career made after Saved By The Bell was canceled. Riddle me this, how does the smartest kid at Bayside High end up assistant to the principal post college? Where's the ambition? Didn't he carry AC and Zack through high school and CU? I see AC hosts some show on animal planet now. Didn't he rape a girl? Anyway, I wonder what it's like going through your whole life being known as Screech? I hope he saved some of that Bayside money because opening malls and car dealerships ain't gunna pay the rent forever.

#1 Richard Simmons


Ok, back to the fake biographic. Simmons was hatched from a reptile egg that appeared at the doorstep of an orphanage in Maine. Without parents he drowned his sorrows by consuming an excess amount of cream cheese danishes and butter cookies. Finding himself so physically disgusting, he submitted himself to an experimental weight loss program called "Scared Skinny." The program required voluntary incarceration at San Quinton penitentiary where he could only eat the rationed portions of his food that were not stolen from his plate. The inmates used his body like a human pin cushion. The relentless and violent sodomy lasted for 5 years and like a butterfly from the chrysalis he emerged the flamboyant health guru you see before you today.