Chadwick's Commencement Speech

(Mass applause) Thank you. Thank you. Graduates! Well, you made it. Congrats. The future is yours and hitch your wagon to a star and blah de blah blah-blah blah blah. Whoop dee diddly do. You get a piece of paper that says you graduated. That is, unless you haven't returned that book on Russian economics that you never bothered to open. The diploma is a Golden Ticket granting entrance into the job market, but if you ask me it's no reason to go skipping around the bedpost with Grampa Joe.

There are those of you that went to all your classes, stayed clean, moderately sober, and never cheated. Hope you enjoy your job in sales or accounting or whatever reasonably high paying business professional position you managed to acquire. You can proceed with your boring lives pushing pencils for 'The Man'. Personally I would rather suck donkey dick for heroin than sell shit all day. I don't care if you're selling cars, chemical weapons, or high priced technological business solutions, you're a whore. A whore that doesn't get laid. You sling your dirty lies from location to location luring your prey into bed so you can get paid. I felt dirty in high school when I sold magazines for speech and drama club or those chocolate almond bars for band. I can't imagine living my whole life trying to manipulate strangers into my pocket or putting on a fake smile and desperately trying to make some asshole I could give a shit about like me. Accountants are no better. You'll either be destroying peoples lives by auditing their shady money handling or shadily handling money so the auditors don't destroy your client's life. Tweaking here and skimming there. Opening up corporate headquarters in some tax free island while little blind Indian children make the robes that you wear today for $1 an hour. You corporate scum make me want to vomit.

As for you liberal arts majors, enjoy your time in the service industry while you peruse your acting or writing career. On your way out today do yourself a favor. Fold your diploma in half, then in half again, one more time, go to the closest bathroom, take a dump, and wipe your ass with it that way it will actually serve some purpose. There is one advantage to having a liberal arts diploma, you can talk down to people who haven't read as much as you. That should fill up the hole in your ego. "Oh, you haven't read The History Of The Chinese Revolution by Smarty McSmartypants?" When people say things like that to me I visualize me knocking out their teeth in my forehead. Great, you read a book, wonderful. I went to the movies or jerked off to some internet porn, does that make you better than me? No, you read as a form of escapism. It's a hobby. You got a diploma because you like to read, hooray. My hobbies include gambling my money away and sneaking into matinees. Don't down talk me because my pastimes seem frivolous and unintelligent to you. Why do I need to know how Napoleon almost conquered Europe? "So history doesn't repeat itself." I find this statement to be one of the biggest loads of shit ever. As long as technology, science, and evolution move irrevocably into the future things will always be changing. Constant change is the only real truth. If things are constantly changing focusing on the past is pointless. It's like crying over your dead grandmother for your entire life. It's as useless as chewing bubble gum to solve an algebra equation. I'll read about what's going on in the news, but I'm not going to chronicle it in my brain or relate it to past events, because, to me, studying history is one of the most pointless aspects of your education. Watch the History Channel, be happy, and enjoy your time teaching high school English class wile coaching woman's volleyball.

Those of you off to peruse your masters are either the dumbest or the smartest people here. Most of the successful people I've met don't even have a masters. Hell, Bill Gates didn't even graduate college. The people I have met with master's degrees haven't really gotten much farther than those without them. So, what's the point? If it's to put off the inevitable, I'm all for it. If it's to be a more educated individual, that's ok as long as you don't rub it in anyone's face. If it's to get a better job, you're wasting your time. Might as well spend the two or three years studying in the workplace gaining experience. It's worth about the same in the job market except you don't get paid to study.

The real success stories are those of you here today that barely made it to the class you rarely went to by stumbling over game controller cords through a cloud of marijuana smoke. You are the real heroes. Those of you who were able to nail that hot XO chick while not tipping over your beer pyramid on your night stand. All you chicks that managed to stay thin and not get pregnant while soaking everything you ate with ranch dressing, drinking every other night, and waking up in pools of various things. Those of you that picked up skills like how to roll a joint without using a dollar or how to program your TI-whatever to do complicated word problems. These things are important because there will be no other time in your life when you can live in this manner. From now on it's drug tests and up at 5:00 AM to be at work by 8:00 AM. If you drink again like you did in college you'll be considered an alcoholic and end up beating your wife and stuck in AA. The tail will be few and far between. It's out with the apartment or dorm and in with the mortgage and insurance.

If you were able to have the time of your life in college and were able to pass, kudos to you sir or madam. You have great potential for success, because you know how to manipulate the system without getting your ass in a sling. Staying out of trouble, finding loopholes, and a little bit of luck is what life is all about. You rich kids won't have to worry because mommy and daddy won't let anything happen to you. Good for you! You've found the biggest loophole of them all, but as for you poor folk things are going to suck. Job placement might not be as easy and you'll have to work shit jobs for a while. Hopefully your soul won't die in the process. If you manage to pull your asses out of the post graduate nightmare you'll be all the better for it.

In conclusion, marry rich, screw the system every chance you get, try to have as much fun as possible, and don't get caught. Thank you and good night! (Cheers and yells)