Cyberphobia and Gerontophobia

Old people kinda creep me out. Growing up I never felt completely comfortable around my aging father. Not much has changed. Anyone over 55 gives me the willies. There are exceptions though. Close family and aging hipsters don't bother me so much, but the rest are just plain creepy.

Take this guy I'm training for example. He's in his late 50's and missing a tooth which doesn't help matters any. You sit this guy down in front of a computer and you'd think he was under the interragation lamp in Guantanamo Bay. He shakes, stutters, can't get the right words out of his mouth to ask a question or answer one, and is visibly uneasy. It is obvious that computers are the elderly's kryptonite. They think that every little move they make on a computer is going to erase all the data. No matter how often I tell them that it's very hard to make a mistake on a computer, they still need to have their hand held through every little cut and paste. It's like watching a monkey try to fuck a football.

In Joe Rogan's stand up he says that just because you're 65 doesn't mean I have to respect you. If you've been an asshole all your life why should I respect you now when you're an old asshole? Why should I respect you if you haven't made the effort to retire gracefully and drive off into the sunset in your new RV hopping from casino to casino and national park to national park. That's the way to go! That way you can't bother anyone, especially me. I know this sounds cold and all but I hate driving behind them, smelling them, and watching them eat. Have you ever watched an old person eat? You can see the extra skin flapping on their jowls when they chew, they don't seem to ever get the whole bite in their mouth, and they always concentrating heavily on the chewing process. Old people eat weird things too like eggs with green olives, Vienna sausages, and boiled cabbage.

Talking to old people is hard too. How can I possibly relate anything in my life to what they are going through: sickness, death, bladder problems, walkers, doctor appointments, and metimucial. Every time I call my 76 year old father on the phone and I ask what's going on, 2 out of 5 times he will mention that someone he has known for ages has died. I don't ask anymore. When they tell a story from their youth, it's usually hard for them to remember and pieces are left out. In the end, about 30 minutes of my life is wasted listening to them.

"Back when I was in college I was escorting this gal to some thing. It was this.... Uhhhhhh.... We danced to Benny Goodman and... I... We... Zzzzzzzzzz"

On my trip into town today, I just saw George Romero's "Land of the Dead." When I left I went to Walgreens to have some pictures developed. At the checkout counter I heard this horribly raspy voice behind me. When I looked up I had to do a double take because this guy looked like a fucking zombie. Sunken buggy eyes, pale, and visible veins lots and lots of visible veins on his face. Guaaaaaahhhhhh! The aging process was not good to this guy. He's not alone though, most old people's faces look like cakes left out in the rain.

Ok, this is an intensely gross story but it's relevant. There was this hot chick in my summer chemistry class at Blinn College that worked in an doctors office. She had the greatest stories. She was prepping this sweet old lady so the doctor could take a look at her old floppy vagina which by now looks like someone buried an axe in a rotting pig's carcass I'm sure. When she went to help her remove her panties her FUCKING UTERUS FELL OUT!!!! It fucking fell out! I had no idea it could do that! "It's called a prolapsed uterus.", she said.

"Oh, I'm sorry dearie, that's what I'm here to see the doctor about.", the old lady told her.

No shit! They proceeded to tuck her withering organ back into her barren cavity and staple it back into place. This is why I'm not a doctor. I'll watch every zombie movie and gore fest out there, but to actually have to deal with it on a daily basis isn't natural.

In summary, old people freak me out so I get a kick out of watching them suffer in front of a computer.

FYI: Orange & Creme KitKats are the FUCKING SHIT!!!!