Bad Waiter

Yes, I was a bad waiter. I admit that. I feel sorry for those out there that had me to serve them especially during my early months. I heard on Anderson Cooper 360 a report on waiters spitting and contaminating food. Like this is some big story. It's been happening for years. I'm not going say I ever did anything like that but I sure as hell understand it. I just cannot stand people constantly asking me for shit. "I need limes and lemons for my water." What kind of pansy-ass primpy little fucker needs limes AND lemons. The next time you approach their table without lemons they look at you like you just fucked their sister. "Lemons?" they say in the most caddy voice possible. They won't touch that water until you bring that lemon either. In the same way they'll let their food get cold waiting on some ketchup or salt or sugar or whatever. That passive aggressive bullshit makes me want to vomit. Heaven forbid you get the wrong food out to them. That's when the 5yr old in 45yr olds comes out. Why people regress back to the 3rd grade when they come into restaurants is beyond me. Pouting, bitching, and throwing a fit. If the service isn't good, don't tip. Women are the fucking worst! "Are you ready to order.", I'd say. "Yes, uh... What's this?" , and "I don't know?", and "Susan said she liked this." All the while I've got 3 other people sitting down looking over their shoulders with a look of annoyance across their faces. "Make up your goddamn mind already.", I want to say. That's when they decide to split an appetizer and just drink water. "Great decision ladies." Sometimes service turns people into complete assholes, "'Bout time!", or "Where the hell is my food?", or, "I ordered that like an hour ago." Oh, and let's not forget the whistle or the wave. Fuck that! It's no wonder alcohol and drugs run unchecked in restaurants. The clientele dwindles your self esteem down to the size of a split pea. If you couldn't tell already I had problems consolidating and anticipating what the customer needed. I'm not a fucking mind reader! Some people are great at it, just not me.

Those of you who know me know this story, but I'm going to write it out anyway. I called a woman fat once. Not completely on purpose though. It was my very first closing shift in the hardest section in the restaurant. I was shaken up because every one of my tables was one of those needy tables. Every time I'd go to the table they would have a different request. I'd bring a fork, they needed a napkin, I'd bring the napkin, they needed more water, I'd bring water, they needed a straw, ect... I was frazzled. Things were hectic. I had probably forgot an order or two and sent the wrong food out as well, I don't remember. This lady stopped me and said, "Excuse me, but last time I was here the portions seemed bigger." What the fuck do you want me to say lady. "Yes, we saw you come and and said to ourselves 'Let's fuck her in the ass on the portion. Muahahahaha!'". Is that what she wanted me to say? No, I know exactly what she wanted, a handout. They all want handouts. I didn't feel like giving one out probably my comps were too high that day and I was too fucking busy to want to do anything about it. Without fully thinking about what was coming out of my mouth, I said, "Well, maybe you were a smaller person back then." I immediately realized what I had said and tried to dilute this irresponsible comment with a comparison, "When I was a kid my garage seemed huge, but now... Not so huge. More tea?" That's when I spilled it all over the table and her. She must have left with quite an impression because she wrote to the corporate office at the restaurant I worked at, P.F. Chang's. Now this was a semi-legit claim she was making, but I've seen people complain for less. This is what pisses me off about people. When some people don't get good service simply not tipping isn't good enough. There are a group of people out there that want to see you destroyed. They want to ruin your life. It's that, or they want to tell the management how to run their restaurant. Either way, it's arrogant for them to behave in this manner. To put a poor waiter's well being on the line because your fucking water didn't get filled up on time and you weren't asked if you wanted one of our especially teas. I've seen it. I've seen jobs lost over those very complaints. Her letter wasn't too complementary. She personally attacked me and put my job on the line. She didn't give a name, but she sure as hell described me as best she could. I admitted to it because I knew they would find out anyway. It's just not adult to hide from something you did wrong. I was lambasted! They didn't fire me but I never heard the end of it. Finally one day one of the managers fucking picked the wrong time to fuck with me about it. Then we had a sit down. I was offered a demotion to food runner or I would be fired next time I got a complaint. I chose the latter. The next day my friend Alex called me and said, "Sorry buddy, but you got another letter." Jesus, now I have to scrape by for another month or two. "You were secret shopped and you got a perfect score!" Satisfaction! Every now and then the big guy upstairs looks out for the 'ol Chadwick.

I had a managerial staff that constantly hung your job over your head. Restaurant managers have a reputation for being megalomaniacs and rightly so. They don't give a shit about you. Why should they? They have 100 other students and aspiring actors out there that need service industry jobs. Plus it's fun to kick around 'lesser' people. Why not? Fuck 'um. Elizabeth Fuss, if that lying bitch is still out there I hope she's getting her face fucked in some back ally. I hope to God she googles her name and finds this. She used to string along this little victim of a man named Chuck. He was like a fucking puppydog. Pathetic. He was in love and it showed. She knew this and ended up ruining his career at Chang's. She was married and I'm sure her husband was just as pathetic has Chuck. She was also a pathological liar. She lied about her schooling, things the general manager said, and all sorts of really petty thing too. Liar, ass kisser, all around scumbag.

Paulo Coelho writes about how you should take every experience bad or good and apply it to everything else in your life. That way no experience is completely worthless. On this, I beg to differ. The only thing I learned is how hard you have to beat a drink tray into a bakers rack until it breaks.