Marry Me Jessica!

My dearest Jessica I know you don't know me from Adam and this may sound a little creepy, but will you marry me? Wait, wait, don't get all creeped out on me just yet. Let me explain myself.

First off, I've never seen an episode of your show. I don't watch it because my extreme jealousy of Nick Lashey will only drive me to express it with destruction of public and private property. I've also shunned MTV ever since The Real World went to New Orleans and TRL became a big hit. Even if there was a video that I liked, they never played the whole thing and even that was drowned out with, "Oh my God! I'm Hillary from Miami and I think Puff Daddy is the Bizzomb! Tee hee!"

Anyway, on with the proposal. Being the all American girl that you are, you need an all American guy. Nick is simply a metrosexual automaton riding your coattails. A real man has sizzle on his chest and doesn't use gel by the gallons. A real man gets fucked up with his buddies and talks about gambling, guns, and pussy! I don't see Nick doing that. Can't you see he's using you! Nobody knew his freaking name before he married you. "Nick LaWho?" they would say. More like Nick LaNobody. What does he do anyway? Maybe if I watched the show I'd know, but he looks like a soap actor to me.

While we're talking about America, I want to apologize on behalf of America for putting you second to Brittany Spears for so long. I don't know what was wrong with us. Man, what were we thinking? Her wholesome virginity was blinding, but once the vail of corporate imagery was lifted we can now all see very clearly.

The truth is, I've never heard any of your music or even know much about you, but I do know that... well... you're intellectually lazy. No problem here! That makes you perfect in my eyes. All I ask for is blind devotion and the willingness to satisfy my every sexual desire. Is that so much to ask? You truly are the only chicken of the tunafish in the sea for me, baby!

If you happen to see this post, please let me know. I have lawyers on retainer to make your separation painless and am willing to sign a prenup.

As for your sister, I would like to keep her around so I can verbally berate her every chance I get. I don't think I could get tired of telling her to, "Shut the fuck up!" or, "Get the fuck away from me!"

There are those that will call me a fool but didn't they also call Einstein and Galileo fools? I liken myself to them only because, to me, this task is as monumental as the realization that the world revolves around the sun and the theory special relativity.

I'm only an American man chasing the American dream. So baby, like ABBA said, "Take a chance on me!"